This season I have went thought has been overwhelming, joyful, heartbreaking, sleepless nights, humbling and above all else rewarding. How could a time of heartbreak, sadness be a season that has brought rewards you ask? It’s because the way I looked at my situation, my attitude towards my season I was walking though. It was hard and I am still walking thought some hard parts, but I can see the light at the end of the tunnel looking forward instead of watching the light tunnel behind me.
I graduated from college May 2018, it was such an accomplishment and a goal that I had since I was in High School. I had found a college Christian community that I was a part of, and I was glad I found them. I didn’t know how important community was in my walk with God. I was involved with my church youth group but that only goes until you graduate High School, what about college aged community? I never thought about it until I found Cru and never knew how much I needed that in my life. Jump ahead, I went on a summer mission to Orlando Florida with Cru where I worked at the happiest place on earth; Walt Disney World. A dream come true surrounded by a community and leaders who all had the same mindset of bringing people closer to Jesus.
Coming off a spiritual high living and growing for Jesus over the summer coming back home was dry. Don’t get me wrong I loved coming back home to my family, friends and dogs. I was starting my big girl job and I thought I would have all this free time to just relax and do nothing. I was excited to “do nothing” for once after being in school for 17 years. I had some goals set for when I came back home and I knew I could tackle them.
I was sad seeing all my friends who I had spent 10 weeks with were all back in school and I was not. I started to feel empty and lonely. I didn’t have many friends at home that were in the same season as me and I found a college aged Christian community at a local church that I was excited to join. My work schedule allowed it and I was over the moon; things were falling into place. I didn’t think this adulting stuff was too hard. This is about the point when I started to think all these good things were happening because of me, I didn’t need God to help me get to where I needed to be. I began to switch the roles between God and I and let me tell you we serve a Jealous God. My work schedule began to shift, and I was not able to go to my community group. I started to feed the loneliness and emptiness with worldly things, I would say yes to anything possible. (A little side track, when I got back from summer mission I took an entire week to figure out who I was by taking personality tests, going though some events from my past to process and found out that I am really slow at processing things and I bottle up emotions and feelings by doing more, AKA filling my plate to overflow and once that plate hits the floor everything crashes down.)
My devotion life was nonexistent, I was still going to church when I could. I was just on auto pilot and trying to survive. The weight of life decisions and the weight of the world’s version of where I should be in life starting to hit me along with the summers events. Just a lot of stuff I had realized was on my shoulders. I am a high maintenance person so even when I was feeling down, sad, overwhelmed and tired I hid those so well with a bright smile. No one knew or maybe they did but never asked. If you are ever in a place of defeat by your own making or by someone’s else’s please go and talk, talk to your family, talk to your friends, talk to God, scream to God he is a big God and can take it! To those who see changes in your friends and family, talk to them! Ask them how they are, ask them what they ate for dinner, what they did after work, talk about their family and dogs. Communication plays a huge role in every situation. Show them that you care and are there for them.
Here are a few pages from my journal over those first two months of this year when I was really searching, when I was trying to figure out how to live, what my life was supposed to be like. As I was reading back and reflecting about this past season some of these words, I still have a hard time reading. I asked this question just today; how did I possibly get out of this season? I can tell you it wasn’t me, it was God, friends, family and my counselor. I had a lot of hesitation even seeking a counselor because I had the image wrapped in my head that counselors were for weak people, for broken people. Until I realized and let go of my pride that I could not get through the processing stage without professional help I was going to be stuck in this season for a long time. I was never taught how to process tragic, horrific events that happened in my life. I was too young or was not emotionally mature enough to understand or talk about the magnitude of these life events that would take a toll on my current life. I totally recommend counselors for any small or big anything in your life! They are professionals and my entire world changed and how I look at my life has changed from going to counseling.
1.18.19 “As I sit here wondering about life, wondering about the meaning. Yeah, I know some things I won’t ever be able to know, somethings will be deceived, and I will believe them, but they are lies. Masks come into play and the entire world is different then what your friend sees, your family sees, maybe even different from what you saw it just yesterday. The enemy is lurking in every corner, in every blind spot just waiting to take you away from God.”
1.20.19 “There is a lot of things going through my head, a lot of things I don’t want to give up on but again with the trust thing, its easier to let go before there is too much attachment, before the real pain, guilt and shame come in. How many times have I let things go because I don’t want to get hurt? A lot. How many things have I gave up on because I couldn’t see the end result? A lot. I don’t want to make all these plans to find enjoyment and feel on a high again just to be thrown down. My head fills so heavy and my eyes are weak. God I need you know more then ever, I need you to take control of my life, your daughter needs you. Be the center of my world, I want to love you and worship you. Right know my feelings and emotions are crazy.”
The church fails at talking about mental health, it fails at singleness communities and talking about the hard stuff. I know there are great churches and communities out there that do have great sermons about mental health and great communities. I am a part of an amazing college aged small group but in general, in my personal observations as a whole church we fail at this.
1.23.19 “Its such a crazy feeling, living in a world that just flies by you and you are feeling like one of those slow Mo characters. The world doesn’t stop when your depressed, whoops did I say the d word? Oh no what should we do? What should we say? Change the subject quick “Why is the sky blue?” Don’t make jokes around her, she might break and go crazy. She has an unstable mind.
Depression is no joke. Its not a daily thing, its an hourly, minute thing. You have a list of things do to. You start checking things off and feel pretty darn good, then you let your mind wonder and boom the list gets tucked away and that heavy feeling lingers back. Depression doesn’t show itself when you’re a high maintenance person, you can’t stop because the only way your still going is because of the long list of things to do. But then your too busy to process and that business makes your body heavy.”
Depression is a vicious cycle and to get out of it for me was to focus on things I can control. I can control how many things I say Yes to; I can control the way I wake up and my attitude each morning. I can control how I spend my time and make decisions.
I wrote in my journal every day for one month and in February 2019 is when I started seeing my counselor. When she diagnosed me as having depression and anxiety. I knew I had never felt this way before, lack of energy, draining to just get out of bed, life was circling around me and I had no idea. It was so hard to wrap my head around the diagnosis, again I was thinking no way not me, I was just in weird mindset. I can’t be depressed; I can’t have anxiety. People in the church don’t have depression and anxiety, right? We are broken, and we are sinful but no one in the church has depression and anxiety but, we do in the church, we just don’t talk about it.
I will probably have anxiety the rest of my life because of the profession I have chosen because I a normal person are put in abnormal situations to help people and those situations take a toll on my life. While the job is rewarding there are days that you see things that are things you would never want to see. It’s part of the job. Smells, tastes, sights, touch, sounds that echo for days, months and years. I have tools to help me thru these times though; If your feeling overwhelmed and in over your head you can pray first and then use your 5 senses by looking around you what are 5 things you see, what are 5 things you can touch, 5 things you can smell, 5 things you can smell and 5 things you can hear. If you go though those and still feel anxious go through them again, take deep breaths and focus on your breathing. These are just some things that have helped me.
2.12.19 “Its been awhile. As I sit here my body feels so heavy but at the same time so empty. I got up this morning and that was such an accomplishment, I had to force myself out of bed, I forced myself to workout, forced myself to shower and I had to force myself to wash my face, my hair and body. I usually feel so great after I get out of the shower nice and clean, but I just wanted to get back in bed. I ate cereal and looked on Facebook for a minute and then I went and sat on the couch starting to read my devotional my eyes could not stay open, I feel asleep. When I got up, I forced myself to get up out of the couch and brush my teeth, I grabbed my study bible and started reading Colossians.”
2.15.19 “Soon I will find me, soon I won’t want to stay in bed all day. Someday soon.”
This was my last journal entry. Its full of hope, its full of wonder and inspiration. I knew I still had a long road ahead of me. I had to process a lot of past life events, before I could focus on the current self and problems. We decided that I would make a list from the earliest I could remember to the current day and list out good and bad things that happened in my life and start to process those by uncovering my emotions and feelings from those events.
Life is never going to be easy, but the way you look at your life, the way you act and the way you choose your attitude is what will determine your current season. Remember seasons come and go and there is growth that happens in all of them. Keep you eyes up and talk to those around you.
JR Blog 